Gradient (ToS:DotnW, English)

"Sometimes he wondered if he'd ever really be able to stop thinking of himself as either 'Emil' or 'Ratatosk' separately and never both at once." -
A DotnW post-game One Shot and character study of Emil Castagnier. Prequel to "Hazelnuts and Bitter Herbs", but also functions as a stand-alone.

Can also be found on Ao3 and Fanfiction.net

They spent three days together in Palmacosta, talking, walking, just enjoying each other's company. Three days, hand in hand, exchanging kisses, whispering grateful words in the other's ears. That blissful time, almost like a dream, seemed so far away right now. Today, everything was different. He wasn't by her side but sat high above, in the ranks, sandwiched in-between Lloyd and Sheena. There he looked down onto the dusty grounds of the arena, laid out with bloodred, gold-embroidered carpets for the occasion. A pair of ceremonial thrones had been placed in the middle for the King and Princess Hilda to use, smaller chairs for the judges and lawmen were in place left and right of them in a half-circle. They were heavily guarded by at least 20 armed officers of the Tethe'allan military. Lined up in front of this council of judgment, shackled and wearing rags, stood a large group of Sylveranti men and women. Survivors of the Vanguard, those that could be rounded up and caught or had surrendered themselves to the authorities willingly, and in front of this crowd stood their leader. And her.

"Brute Lualdi. Marta Lualdi. Step forward," the presiding judge's voice demanded.

Firm in their step and without fear on their faces, father and daughter heeded the command.

"Brute Lualdi. In the name of the divine power the goddess has vested into the royal house of Tethe'alla, the court accuses you of the following charges: Formation and leadership of a violent terrorist organization with the goal to disrupt the peace of Tethe'alla and her people. Repeated incitation of violence against Tethe'allan civilians. Repeated incitation of violence against officials of Tethe'allan government. Illegal possession of Exspheres. Illegal operation of an Exsphere mine. Repeated theft. Repeated robbery. Continuous vandalism. Repeated impersonation of government officials and spiritual authorities with the goal of sowing dissent among the populace. Conduction of a violent siege on the city of Altamira. Repeated false imprisonment of civilians. Indirectly condoning the false imprisonment of his eminence, Duke Regal Bryant. And, finally, ordering the abduction of her eminence, the Chosen's sister, Lady Seles Wilder. How do you plead to these charges?"

Brute lifted his head. His eyes were clear and determined.

"Guilty. Of each and every one."

The members of the council of judgment looked at one another and nodded. The judge continued.

"Marta Lualdi. In the name of the divine power the goddess has vested into the royal house of Tethe'alla, the court accuses you of the following charges: Assistance in the formation of a violent terrorist organization with the goal to disrupt the peace of Tethe'alla and her people. Public assault on a Chosen-"

"Ah! Wait!" Colette's voice rang out in the arena, drawing all eyes to her. She rose from her seat. "That's really not-"

"Colette…" Lloyd whispered at her, pulling on the hem of her dress. "I get it, but please, sit down. Making a scene now won't help her. We've got to wait our turn to speak."

"He's right," said Zelos. "Surprising, I know, but still."

Lloyd scoffed at that, but, staying true to his word of not wanting to cause a scene, said nothing else. Colette too relented, albeit reluctantly, quieting herself and sitting back down. Undeterred by the brief interruption, the judge continued to read the charges.

"Illegal possession of Exspheres. Vandalism. Theft. Indirect incitation of violence against Tethe'allan civilians…"

As the list of accusations kept growing and growing, Colette wasn't the only one who found it difficult to hold her tongue. Those sitting next to him could easily sense Emil's body trembling more with each passing seconds. Sheena eventually tried to take his hand to offer some comfort, but the boy pulled away, clutching that hand into a fist instead. His head lowered as it was, his fringe hid his eyes from sight, but had they been visible, everyone would have seen the turmoil going on behind them.

'This isn't fair. Marta has done nothing to deserve this.'

'That's why we should end this farce, right here and now, and show these self-righteous bastards the true meaning of 'judgment''

'N-No! We can't attack a court of law before we've even seen the actual proceedings! That wouldn't be right!'

'And leaving them to accuse and slander Marta like that is!?'

'We'd only cause the tensions between Tethe'alla and Sylverant to escalate even further!'

'So what? The Tethe'allan authorities have done nothing to earn our respect!'

'This isn't what Marta wants!'

One voice. Two emotions. Two opinions, two possible courses of action… A stalemate of cognitive dissonance. Emil dug his nails into the fabric of his pants and endured it all with clenched teeth. Even if his body no longer responded as immediately to the contradictory thoughts in his head as it once used to, it didn't make moderating them any less exhausting.

He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, Emil. You gonna be okay?" asked Lloyd.

Emil bit his lip. "I-I'm fine- No. Actually, I hate this. It's just… hard. Hearing them talk about her like this."

'Hard' was an understatement. There was hatred burning in him for the judge, the royals, the council and everyone else here who dared suggest Marta might in any way be culpable for the actions of the Vanguard without even knowing her. The part of him that carried this anger, he had a good mind to strip these people of all their so-called 'divine' authorities this second and judge them and the Vanguard by his own methods. They were all just human after all and had no right to act as if they were speaking for any power higher than their lowly selves. But the part of him that understood 'humanity' knew that it wasn't his place to pass judgment here either. As Marta's partner, he was undoubtedly biased. And taking punitive measures based on his personal emotions alone, well, he'd already seen what that could lead to…

"Look, I don't like this either," Lloyd told him. "But Marta gave herself up to Meltokio of her own free will. The least we can do is respect that decision. If things get dangerous, we can step in at a moment's notice."

Emil nodded, "I know."

The Judge had finished reading the charges. Marta's list was significantly shorter than that of her father. Of course, in her friends' eyes it was still far too long.

"How do you plead to these charges, Marta Lualdi?"

Marta briefly closed her eyes and took a breath.

"Guilty to the charges related to the formation of the Vanguard. Also guilty regarding my unprompted attack on Colette Brunel. Partially guilty of all charges relating to the Vanguard beginning with the Bloodpurge of Palmacosta. I take responsibility for enabling these actions, though I would like to make it clear that I never condoned any of them. Finally, as for the charges regarding the illegal possession of an Exsphere, not guilty. What I carried on me and used was a jewel endowed with the power of a Summon Spirit. The Summoner Sheena Fujibayashi can vouch for this fact. If that is a crime, then please, judge me accordingly."

The Judge listened closely to Marta's elaborations and nodded, ensuring that the court scribe was taking appropriate protocol.

"Now then, in the name of Tethe'alla, her goddess and her people, let us commence by hearing the witnesses' testimonies."

"Your Honor, before you proceed, may I voice a single request?"

Marta's polite question took the elderly Judge out of his accustomed flow for a moment. He eyed the girl with intrigue before nodding, "The accused may speak."

Marta returned the nod, "I respect that this is the court of Tethe'alla and that I will be judged by Tethe'allan law. However, my actions did not only affect the citizens of Tethe'alla. What I did caused just as much suffering to the people of Sylverant, if not even more. So, if possible, I would like to be judged not just in the name of Tethe'alla, but of all people living in this world. Tethe'allan, Sylveranti, human, elven, half-elven and Spirits."

The mention of Sylverantis and half-elves in the girl's proposal caused a commotion in the audience so big, that the Judge had to take a moment to calm down the crowd.

"What is she thinking?" Genis leaned forward, baffled. "There's no way a demand like that is going to earn her points with the court! They'll never respect it!"

Raine pulled her brother back into his seat. "On the contrary, I'm surprised by how expertly Marta is handling the situation."

"Huh?"

"Yes," Regal nodded in agreement with Raine's assessment. "By suggesting that Sylverant, as a people, should be named in her inditement, she is indirectly asking the court to officially recognize and respect the Sylveranti people as an entity independent of Tethe'alla without disrespecting the authority of the court or downplaying her own culpability. Thus, she has immediately positioned herself and revealed her own priorities to the council in a sincere, respectable way. Also, look at the way she carries herself. The cadence of her voice, her posture, her sparing use of gestures…"

"Humble, yet grace- and thoughtful and with an air of confidence," Zelos smirked and nodded. "That is how a lady carries herself in an official setting."

"Exactly. It is the body-language of nobility standing before the royal family. If anything will prevent the council from viewing her as a 'Sylveranti Savage', it is this sort of decorum. Marta has clearly done her homework."

"Yes. If only she were this diligent with all her studies," Raine sighed.

"But she also included half-elves… Will they really respect this?" worried Genis.

Sylveranti and half-elves… Everyone focused on how Marta had chosen to voice her standpoint regarding the dignity of those disadvantaged by the current stratification of the world's society, but Emil was focused on the fact that she had also mentioned 'Spirits'. He knew, she was talking to him. She was standing down there for him, too. Just like everyone else, she had invited him to judge her actions. To her, he was the same as everyone else: A person living in this world.

#

All testimonies were heard, examined, and discussed. In the end, most of the Vanguard's common foot-soldiers were given prison sentences and ordered to pay monetary damages. Though officially listed as 'deceased', the higher-ranking members Hawk, Decus, Alice and Richter were given symbolic death sentences. Despite being the leader, Brute Lualdi was 'only' sentenced to life imprisonment in Meltokio. His temporary insanity and manipulation by Richter, to which Regal, Zelos and the entire rest of the Heroes of Regeneration testified, served as a mitigating factor, sparing him execution. Finally, Marta was sentenced to a month of prison and a small amount of monetary damages. Her age, her instrumental role in ending the siege on Altamira and the testimonies of her friends led to most of the charges against her being waived, and strongly mitigated the rest.

"A month… I wonder if that's really enough?"

"You don't want to stay here, do you…?"

"What? No, of course not! But getting off so easy, when I was one of the people who helped found the Vanguard and most of the members got much harsher sentences, feels a little-"

Marta stopped herself when she saw the dejected look on Emil's face. She took his hands.

"Emil. Please, don't worry. I promise, once this is all over, it'll be you and me."

He nodded. "I know. Just… don't act like you don't deserve to live your life out freely. I did awful things, but Richter, Verius and the Centurions gave me another chance to spend this life with you, because they thought we both deserved it. I don't want their trust to go to waste."

"You know I want nothing more than use this chance as well. But I need to take responsibility for what I've done. You understand that, right?"

"…Yeah. I do."

The parted with a kiss and sharing words of encouragement, before Marta was escorted back to her cell in the dungeons of Meltokio alongside her father, leaving Emil behind on his own on the bridge between the castle and arena.

When he had parted his powers and left the Ginnungagap, the Spirit hadn't been aware how little time had really passed since their farewell. As Ratatosk, he'd been used to thinking of time moving forward as an insignificant, fleeting thing, that moved too quickly to even pay much mind to. New perspectives change things, and was deeply surprised to find that what had felt like agonizingly long months spent doing nothing but laying the groundwork for the new seal in silence had really only been a few short days back outside on the surface world. The thought of an eternity without being able to see most of those he'd grown close to had made every moment feel endless. That was why it hurt so much that now, only three days after reuniting with Marta in Palmacosta, he found himself separated from her again, and thus he stood on his own in the wide streets of Meltokio.

'This is not what we came back for.'

'This is what Marta wants. We'll have to respect that.'

'What she wants…? What about all the times she said that all she wanted to do was stay with us! When she said that she needed me, was that just a lie!?'

'Not at all! But people can have more than one priority! Wanting to be happy and wanting to do what's right aren't mutually exclusive!'

'…So. Do we want to be happy and do what's right?'

'I…'

'Because right now, we're not doing either.'

To the question in his own head, Emil didn't have an answer. Alone on the bridge, he stared at his hands and sighed.

"I… could probably use the time to establish ties with some more monsters…" he mumbled to himself.

However, now that all his Centurions and power was awakened, it was highly unlikely that there were still that many monsters out there that hadn't yet heeded a Centurion's call. With his power split as it was, there wasn't really much at the current stage of the process that he could be useful helping with.

"Where do I go from here…?"

He wouldn't get a final answer to this question quite yet, but he'd receive a temporary one, for today only, when a few minute later Lloyd and Colette came up to him and asked if he'd like to join them and the others at the Inn for dinner. It wasn't what he'd come back to this world for but in the company of friends who knew and understood him, Emil was able to push aside his worries for a bit and spend a somewhat pleasant evening.

#

"So… Mind explaining those mood-swings of yours to us?"

Emil was asked this question while he rubbing a sponge soaked in soapy water against the bottom of the pot the family had been eating risotto from this noon. Though he'd been very diligent in taking care of the dishes from today's lunch, he now stopped moving for a moment.

"Alba…" he could hear Flora's whispery voice behind him.

"Emil. I asked you a question," he heard Alba, who seemed to be ignoring his wife.

It was contemplation, not shock, that had Emil frozen up. Really, this conversation had been long coming. Though these past six days since he had moved back in with Alba and Flora had gone by much more pleasantly than the six months he'd spent with them before, there had been a few incidents, moments when Alba had made comments to Emil that he hadn't liked, or Flora ordering Emil to do tasks that he had felt he shouldn't be doing. That's why Alba's need to question Emil really wasn't unexpected.

Emil thought about it to himself for a moment, then continued cleaning the pot. Finally, he answered the question.

"That's… just how I am, I guess," he said.

"You never acted that way before," Alba argued. "Not unless it was about Lloyd Irving."

"Mhm. Lloyd really was the one thing that could set me off back then." Emil agreed.

"What are you saying? If 'that's just how you are', then what about your demeanor when you first came to Luin? Was that 'not you', then?"

"…No. That was me too. Just not all of me."

"So, you're trying to tell me that this over-emotional behavior is 'normal'? That that's your 'true self' and your aunt and I should just accept that?"

"You don't have to accept anything." Emil had finally turned around to face his 'uncle'. "I came back because you both offered me a place to stay. But… if I'm that much of a bother, I can leave. I'd understand, really."

"D…Don't change the subject!" Alba tried to hide his fluster behind yelling. However, this was the moment when Flora stepped in.

"Emil, what your uncle is trying to say is that… we're worried about you," she sighed, and though she was trying to sound gentle, the way she avoided his line of sight clued Emil in to how uncomfortable the situation made her. "It is a good thing that you've been more decisive in your actions. And, of course, we know how difficult it can be to control your emotions. We were young too once, so we understand!"

No. There was no way anybody could really understand this. But that was fine. He was okay with being weird now.

"But, look… If anything happened on your journey, anything that left a scar that you would like to talk about… I mean, we could try to…"

"I'm fine." Emil smiled the most gentle, non-threatening smile he could give. "It's true, a lot happened while I was out there with the others… But it's really nothing you need to worry about. I appreciate the sentiment, though."

It was nothing for them to worry about because it was nothing they would ever know. Even if they were told, they wouldn't understand, and, in the first place, Emil saw no reason to tell them. They weren't really 'family', and even if they would ever reach the point where he could say that the three of them 'loved' each other, they certainly weren't there yet. Right now, these were kind acquaintances who had offered him shelter in this world. That was all there was to it.

"You're keeping secrets from us, aren't you?" Alba scoffed to the side.

"Even if I am, what's it to you?" asked Emil. His eyes narrowed a little. "You were the one who said he wouldn't make any promises about becoming a real family."

Alba's already indignant expression flared to life with taken offense at this latest comment. Huffing, the man stomped his foot down onto the floor and snarled at Emil.

"Watch your mouth, boy!"

It was a scene that had already been common in this house a year ago. Unlike back then, however, Alba's anger was now fully mirrored by the blonde boy in his front. Emil, too, stomped his foot down.

"If you tell me to watch my mouth, then you'll have to watch your back from now on, old man!"

"A-Are you threatening me!?"

"What if I am?"

Before the tension between the both of them could escalate any further, Flora leapt out of her chair, between them.

"Emil! Alba!"

Her voice defused the charged air between them. Alba shrunk away at his wife's call, while Emil took a step back and shook his head.

"…Sorry. I crossed a line there," the boy apologized.

"M-Maybe it would be for the best if you went back to your room for now," replied Flora, who had laid a hand on her husband's shoulder, trying to calm him. "We can… talk about this later. When everyone has calmed down a bit."

Perhaps returning here had been a mistake. Not just to this house, not just to Luin, but to this world.

'In the Ginnungagap, I at least had a task and a purpose, but here, I'm just a boy passing by the time. Nobody here really needs 'Emil' right now…'

Sitting on his bed, Emil gazed at the mirror in the corner of his room and sighed.

'This is a waste of time.'

'It's not a lot of time in the grand scale of things. We'll just have to wait. Marta would be sad if she came back and we weren't there to greet her.'

'We should never have allowed Marta to be taken in the first place.'

'It's only for a month. We just have to wait for her to be released.'

'Where do you get off trusting the Tethe'allans to release her? They're just humans!'

'…We're living a human life right now, too.'

Somehow this setup felt strangely relieving. With his reflection right in front of him, this mental back and forth almost felt like a real conversation.

'While we're at it, we really have to try and get along with Alba better…'

'Why? He hasn't exactly given us any reason to get along with him.'

'I was the one who wanted to try to have an actual relationship with him…'

'I was also the one he kept abusing for months on end for no good reason.'

'It's not fair to claim I want to get along, but then not put any work into actually getting along.'

'He should put the work in first. Trust needs to be earned, not gifted.'

'But we've done nothing to earn his trust yet, either.

'Is putting ourself on the line for his people and restoring his world not enough?'

'He doesn't know the whole story.'

'Well, maybe that's his problem.'

'If that's his problem, then being all on our own in this house again is ours.'

'…'

It really almost felt like talking to another person… Except that he couldn't tell which person was 'the other'.

'…It's a bad habit. Using the word 'we' so often in our own head.'

'…Yeah. It probably is.'

'We should stop doing that.'

'Mhm. We probably should.'

Sometimes there is nothing as difficult in a human life as breaking a bad habit.

#

Regardless of the reality that he was an ancient Spirit, to the eyes of the people of this world he appeared as a teenage boy. That was why he had continued to refrain from drinking alcohol when spending time with his friends at bars or restaurants… until today, that is.

"Well, um… The glass is empty, and I don't feel any different," Emil shrugged, pushing the beer jug Zelos had made him drink from away from himself. "Maybe this body just doesn't react like that…?"

"Now, that's a theory worth testing!" Zelos exclaimed. "Waiter! Refill over here, please!"

"I-I didn't ask for that!" Emil protested.

Good thing Raine wasn't here. Her watchful, disciplined eyes were the last thing he needed on him while being forced into committing such 'sinful' indulgence. This gathering was between Emil, Presea, Genis and Zelos. They'd encountered one another coincidentally in Altamira. Emil had been there to visit the spot where Marta and he had met before the day of the battle at the Ginnungagap. Genis was here to help Presea with designing a few items the Lezareno group was intending to market specifically towards half-elven mages. Zelos had just come for the casino.

"It really is strange," Presea noted. "If Emil's body isn't affected by alcohol, wouldn't we have noticed that whenever he used a potion in battle?"

"Come to think, I don't think he ever bought any potions…" Genis realized and raised a brow.

Emil's eyes wandered towards the ground. "W-Well… I thought I was underage…"

"That never stopped Lloyd."

"Do I look like Lloyd to you?"

Emil's voice went down half an octave as he blurted that out. Genis backed away.

"Geez, come down a little, Emil, I wasn't even making fun of you!"

Emil took a deep breath, "Y-Yes… Sorry for that. Sometimes I just…"

"Yeah, I know. Even now that you're in full control, Ratatosk Mode is still giving you trouble, huh?"

"Please stop calling it that," Emil sighed. "It's not funny! I need to get my emotions under control, or else I'll keep making a scene whenever anything happens."

"Maybe you just need to find something to focus all your pent-up emotions on, like my sister does!" Genis grinned. "Hey, how about you pick up archeology as a hobby?"

"Or woodcarving. You are already so good at carving vegetables," suggested Presea.

Zelos comradely swung an arm around Emil's shoulders. "And if all else fails, there's always a casino riiight around the corner!"

Another sigh. "No thanks. I don't really want to be Raine OR some kind of mad artist and giving that me control while in the casino can only end in property damage. Besides, what's Marta gonna say when she comes back, and I suddenly have a gambling problem?"

"It's only a problem if you make it a problem!" said Zelos, taking a long, drawn out sip from his jug. "Ahh, that's the stuff."

"You know, Emil has a point about the alcohol, Zelos," said Genis, visibly satisfied with his own glass of orange juice. "I think you've had a bit too much by now."

"Whaaaat, are you jealous of the stunning maturity of the great Zelos Wilder? Well, no wonder! It must be sooo hard to be the only twerp in a room full of grown adults."

"Yeaaaaah. Suuuuure," Genis rolled his eyes and looked at his other companions. "Hey, Presea, Emil, how about we ditch this guy and head over to the beach? I hear they're selling some new brand of ice cream there that's supposed to taste really great!"

Presea nodded, "That does sound nice. I would like to try."

"Yeah, I didn't really like the taste of that beer much anyway. Let's-" Emil was about to rise from his seat when a waitress arrived, carrying a tablet of drinks.

"Two more jugs of beer, one more Alta Potion and another glass of orange juice. Enjoy."

The group found themselves bound to their positions by the refills Zelos had ordered. Emil and Genis gave each other awkward looks.

"You know… I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't have ordered a potion too," Genis admitted. "Being the only one with a glass of juice twice in a row is… kind of weird."

"We can trade, if you'd like," said Presea. "The one potion I had earlier was actually enough for me."

Genis, however, froze up at the suggestion. "N-N-No! I-I c-can't… acc…ept that f-from y-you, Pr-Presea…!"

"Then trade with me," said Emil. "I never asked for a refill in the first place."

Zelos, however, started laughing at that, "Ohoho, Emil, what's that? You wouldn't be backing out, would you?"

"Back out of what?" asked Emil.

"You know," Zelos tapped his fingers on the table. "Our challenge."

Challenge. Something primal in him flared up at the mention of that word.

"Your 'special' body versus all the drinks my generous self can afford," said Zelos. "Which one will last longer? Aren't you curious to find out?"

Emil found his hand wandering towards the jug.

'This is a bad idea.'

'Shuttup! I'm gonna win!'

'Stuff like this is why we're not going to that casino, you know.'

'You're just scared of how much that prissy snob is going to cry when I beat him at his own game!'

'I'm less worried about Zelos than about what might happen to the rest of the bar!'

The mental tug-of-war Emil was playing with himself was so apparent, had he been more aware of his surroundings he could have seen Genis and Presea exchanging worried looks among one another.

"Um, Emil, if you still wanna trade, my orange juice is right-"

"Challenge accepted, Wilder!"

"…Oh boy."

Genis could not see anything good come out of this. Genis was right about that, though perhaps not for the exact reasons he thought. Long after Emil had, indeed, proven himself impervious to the intoxicating effects of ethanol on the humanoid body, the group found themselves tossed out onto the street after Emil's loud and continuous bragging about how he was going to drink every last drop of alcohol available in the house had caused several other patrons to take up Zelos' "challenge" as well, which had eventually resulted in a bar-fight- one that Emil had just barely restrained himself from actively participating in. One person who, however, had not refrained from partaking in said barfight was Zelos. Maybe it had been overconfidence, maybe it had been the four to five beers in his system, maybe it had been both, but one Fire Ball later, one which only Genis' expertly timed Icicle had prevented from burning down the entire house, the former Chosen of Tethe'alla and his entourage were 'no longer welcome in this establishment'. They could all only pray that Regal would never hear of this.

"Looks like without Lloyd around, there's no one with enough bad luck to absorb the consequences of your horrible ideas," Genis told Zelos, who groaned back.

"Quiet down, will you? I've still got a headache from all of that barkeeper's yelling."

"No, I actually think that's the alcohol."

"I feel awful." The source of Emil's headache was quite different than Zelos. "If only I'd stopped myself in time…"

"No, you did nothing wrong, Emil," Presea assured him.

"Except maybe egging Zelos and the other guests on to keep drinking," said Genis. "That was a bit wrong."

The sound Emil made could have been mistaken for a dying deer.

"Gah! Quiet!" Zelos groaned again. "Ugh, I can't take this anymore… sorry, you guys. I'll have to excuse myself to my hotel room…"

"Do you want me to escort you there?" asked Presea when she saw the trouble their friend had trying to walk in a straight line.

"A-Actually, that would be great," Zelos sighed. "Hah. Have I ever told you that your kindness and beauty know no limits, Presea?"

"Yeeeeah, leaving you alone with a girl right now sounds like another awful idea. I'll come along as well," said Genis, getting up and brushing some dust off his clothes.

Emil, too, stood up, "I'll help. You were staying at the Grand Hotel, right, Zelos?"

They returned Zelos to his suite on the top floor of the Grand Hotel without incident. As their redhead friend immediately passed out upon contact with the king-sized bed's mattress, Presea and Emil took the time to tug him in and place a glass of water on the nightstand next to the bed, so Zelos would have something to fight off dehydration with once he came back to. Once that was done, Genis suggested they go and try some of that ice cream they had been talking about earlier. The decision was unanimous. Down at the beach of Altamira three friends enjoyed cold desserts, buried their feet in the soft sand and spent the rest of their late afternoon and early evening chatting.

Emil was close to finishing his cone, "Whoa, this ice cream is really good, but it's also really expensive… Then I again, I guess so is everything in Altamira."

"Most of the tourists who come here can afford to spend large sums of money, so there is no incentive for vendors to lower prices from the standpoint of business competition," explained Presea.

Genis, who had already eaten his share, leaned back and enjoyed the sun, "If they did lower the prices, it would also make the place a more attractive vacation spot for half-elves and Silverantis, and I bet you a lot of the rich nobles would have an issue with that."

"You've got a pretty bad opinion on Tethe'alla's upper class, don't you, Genis?" said Emil. "I mean, I don't exactly like most of them either. But since you and Zelos are friends, I would've thought…

"When they first came to Tethe'alla, Genis and Raine were arrested in Sybak and almost executed for being half-elves," Presea explained.

"Seriously!? That's awful!"

"Well, that's mostly old news now," Genis waved a hand at Emil. "A lot of the laws have thankfully changed ever since the World Regeneration. Thanks to Zelos', Regal's and Sheena's help, we've been able to dismantle many parts of Tethe'alla's strict caste system. Doesn't mean everything's good the way it is now though. We'll have to keep working on that."

Emil lowered his head and continue nibbling on his ice cream cone. "That sounds a lot like the things Marta always tells me. About how she will have to spend her entire life working hard if she wants Sylverant's situation in the world to get better."

"Not just Sylverant! She talked about half-elves during the trial, too!" Genis grinned. "That really surprised me. I hope once she's out of prison, we can do our best working together towards our goals!"

"Yeah… once she is out…"

Thinking of Marta locked away in Meltokio always did a number on Emil's mood, but right now he had friends around who could relate to his worries.

"Hey, cheer up, Emil! She'll be out before you know it."

"Yes. I also don't believe Marta would want you to spend the entire wait for her release unhappy."

"…Mhm. You guys are right. Anyway, let's get some more ice- Ah, darn, I don't have enough money left."

"Emil, Genis, let me treat you. The last talisman I designed sold very well, so I can afford it."

Presea insisted on buying the boys seconds, much to Emil's cheer and Genis' fluster. The three of them talked, fooled around and laughed until the sun began to set. It was at that point that Genis and Presea, who were staying in private rooms provided by the Lezareno companty, excused themselves. An eventful day ended, and at its end Emil found himself watching the sunset on his own.

'…There's nobody here now.'

'…Yeah. Everyone's gone home.'

'There's no one here but us.'

'…But me.'

Right. Of course. There was nobody here but Emil.

'…The sunset here looks different when you watch it all by yourself, doesn't it?'

'Mhm. I guess it does.'

But really, he wasn't actually sure what that meant.

#

He tried to work on what Alba had called his 'mood swings' and what Genis and some of his other friends sometimes still called his 'Ratatosk Mode'. It wasn't like before, when one side of him would entirely dissociate from the other, but even he still noticed the sharp shifts in his mood he often underwent. Things that felt right and fair one moment felt insulting and offensive the next. Empathy and anger could surface and recede at the drop of a hat. It was mentally exhausting, not only for him, but also for the people around him, and he hated that. Both 'sides' of his couldn't stand being a burden. Well, that clarification was redundant actually. Both 'sides' were the same person. That was a fact he'd once forgotten and now needed to relearn, slow and painstakingly.

"Lord Emil, do my eyes deceive me or are you actually trying to meditate?" he was greeted by Tenebrae's voice one day underneath a waterfall.

"Go back to work, Tenebrae…" Emil first drowsily scoffed at his Centurion, but then reconsidered, and decided to give an actual answer. "Sheena says this helps with finding inner focus."

"Excuse me if I am mistaken, but to me it appears that all this will help you find is an excellent method to fall asleep while also drowning."

Emil groaned and opened his eyes. He got up, stepped up from underneath the waterfall and shook some water out of his hair.

"Then what do you think I should do? I can't stay this way."

"'This way', meaning?"

"You know what I mean," Emil mumbled. "Not 'myself'. Not 'whole'."

"Oh, it still troubles you?" Tenebrae seemed genuinely surprised. "I actually believed that issue resolved after you accepted yourself at the Ginnungagap."

"Then why do I still not feel like I'm supposed to feel? You can't tell me that this is seriously the way the Summon Spirit Ratatosk is supposed to be!"

Tenebrae shook his head, "I wouldn't put it that way, no. However… As your loyal retainer, I can tell you that I don't detect too many significant differences between who you are now and what you were like before the incidents that led to our sleep 4000 years ago. Especially when compared to the 'Lord Emil' who lived in fear of the people of Luin or the 'Lord Ratatosk' who cruelly killed Aster Laker… Your current self seems much more like 'yourself'."

"Then, this is just what I am…?"

Emil sat down on a close by rock and felt defeated.

'Am I really just this… mercurial?'

'Short-tempered?'

'Easily startled?'

'Annoyingly stubborn?'

'Ridiculously diplomatic?'

'Someone who threatens violence at the smallest offense?'

'Someone who shows kindness to even those who don't deserve it?'

'Is that just what I've always been?'

"No… Let me put it this way."

Tenebrae's words sounded enough like a response to Emil's own thoughts to break through them. Interested, the boy turned his head towards the Centurion and listened to him.

"The person I am speaking to right now is undoubtedly Lord Ratatosk," said Tenebrae. "I can tell that in your fundamental nature you have been restored. However, there may still be scars. The fracture you experienced after your loss against Richter returned you to Core form was harsh. If you still don't feel entirely comfortable in your own sense of self, it is possible that certain cracks remain."

"That makes it sound like this is Richter's fault…"

"Do you dislike that idea?" asked Tenebrae.

"Of course, I do! I respect the man… And I also can't stand the fact that I lost a fight to him," Emil sighed, annoyed at himself. "It's like that all the time. I'm of two minds about everything. Flora says I'm 'more decisive', but that's usually just my temper coming out. The truth is… ever since merging my two identities back together, I'm not sure of anything anymore."

"Is it this difficult for you to reconcile your two sides with one another?"

"It's just easier to think of them as 'different'. Like, 'these flowers look cute, they are something Emil likes', or 'that swordsman looks strong, he's someone Ratatosk would have fun fighting', but…"

'I, who dislikes fighting…'

'I, who couldn't care any less for aesthetics…'

'Are those really the traits of one and the same person?'

"My Lord. Forgive me if I am just making assumption, but… The problems at hand aren't actually your opinions on flowers and swordsmen, are they?" Tenebrae gave his master a sharp look. "You've had the chance to look at yourself from the outside, from two sides. And now, you find it difficult to return to simply 'being' what you have seen, without any false pretenses."

Emil looked away. When had Tenebrae learned to read him so well?

"Believe it or not, but this isn't the first time you've expressed to me displeasure with your own actions or feelings."

"Really? I don't remember that."

"Well, it was quite a while ago. I wouldn't be surprised if it simply wasn't important enough to you to remember."

Or maybe, he just hadn't remembered yet. He didn't often bother to think back to the past. He didn't see the point to it when he had enough to worry about in the here and now.

"…I left you and the other Centurions to do my job so I could come back here and promise Marta to spend her life with her."

"It is a duty we gladly accepted," Tenebrae bowed his head. "You needn't have regrets."

But he had regrets, because right now he was here doing nothing, and tonight he would go back to that house, to those people he had no relationship with, having done nothing. Emil shook his head. No, that wouldn't do. When in even his short life as 'Emil' had moping ever helped him? He got up from the rock, stretched himself and looked down to his friend.

"Hey, Tenebrae?"

"Yes?"

"Let's go, draw out some Mana."

"Draw out Mana?"

"Sure," Emil smiled. "I haven't really got anything else to do right now, so I'd like and try do my 'job' for a bit. That is, if you'll let me help, of course."

The two looked at each other for a brief second before Tenebrae returned his master's smile and nodded, "Gladly."

'I guess when it comes to wanting to get things done…'

'I guess when it comes to wanting to be useful…'

'Me and I are really not that different.'

#

Sometimes he wondered if he'd ever really be able to stop thinking of himself as either 'Emil' or 'Ratatosk' separately and never both at once, but maybe that was just something that would have to come with time. Accepting the little steps forward helped. Slowly he became aware of simple facts about himself that he'd never paid much mind to before, immutable truths of who he was that remained the same, regardless of his 'mood'. The fact that he found it hard to just stand by idly when there was a task waiting to be done right in front of him, how much he enjoyed cooking, even if he didn't always feel like putting much effort into the presentation, his tastes and dislikes, the sort of person that he found annoying to talk to, even if his ways of dealing with said annoyance could differ wildly, and his respect of others' determination and strength, even if at times he only admitted it begrudgingly. Those were all attribute that were 'Ratatosk' as much as they were 'Emil', and the more he felt that this was true, the easier he found it to accept the things about himself that didn't make much sense to him yet. Every day he noticed the line his mind drew between 'this' and 'that' blur a bit more. His changes in mood became less sudden and harsh, the ways in which he expressed his emotions less extreme. Little by little, a balance was established, and with it a rhythm. It was still fragile and uneven for the time being, but it was a start. A way of looking at himself that he couldn't have imagined just a month prior.

The people around him noticed the changes in him, too, and it affected his relationships, mostly for the better. He got into fewer fights, would excuse himself from conversations that he found stressful less often. Less fight, less flight, more of a semblance of a normal, everyday life. And thus a month passed by.

"Emil, would you give me a hand with dinner?"

"Sure, Aunt Flora! We're almost done here!"

He sat on the ground in Alba's small workshop, holding a piece of wood in place for the man. The two of them were building a second guest bed. The day after tomorrow Marta would be released from Meltokio, and once she was free she would need a place to stay. Alba and Flora had agreed to let Marta live in Emil's room with him, at least until the two of them had found a place for themselves.

"Does the length look about right, Emil?"

"Yeah, she's pretty petite, so this should do it. Thanks, Uncle Alba."

"Ha, well, she hasn't tried laying on it yet. You can thank me once she's done that and it's still standing."

"Haha! Okay, I'll hold you to that then."

Fewer angry outbursts or instances of Emil turning into a stuttering mess also meant smoother communication with other short-fused people, such as Alba. Their relationship had improved considerably ever since that last fight they'd had a month ago. It had helped that Flora had made them all sit together and talk it out. While Emil couldn't be truly honest with them, he had told Alba and Flora about wanting to occupy himself with more than just doing housework and waiting around for Marta to be released, which had led to Alba allowing Emil to help out in his small carpenter workshop as a paid apprentice. It turned out that Presea had been onto something: Emil proved himself surprisingly skilled in woodworks, both in terms of work-speed and precision. Spending their days working together, Emil and Alba finally, after all this time, managed to establish a sense of rapport. It wasn't quite that familial sort of bond they'd failed to build ever since the boy first showed up in Luin, but it could at least qualify as a 'friendship'.

'I can't forgive him for how he treated me when I was too weak to defend myself…'

'…but that's okay. It's in the past. I was scared of them; they were scared of me…'

'…which is pretty silly to think about. They're just humans. In the long-term I don't think anything will come of this 'relationship' we have, but…'

'…it's still nice to have a place to return to in this world.'

He finished working on the bed with Alba, made dinner with Flora, then ate together with both of them, chatting about the day's events with the both of them. No, despite how hard they'd been trying, he couldn't claim that he thought of the two of them as his 'parents' now, but that didn't mean they couldn't eventually become 'family'. As a Summon Spirit the idea of kinship in general was probably something, he had a better concept of than the idea of a 'father' or 'mother' anyway. And if this was going to be his 'family', then Marta would have to be part of it too. The more he thought about it, the more he found himself looking forward to living here, in Luin, together with Marta. He told his 'aunt and uncle' that during dinner.

"You really missed that girl, didn't you?" said Flora.

"Yeah. I mean, I did go to visit her a couple times this month, but it'll be great to have her back for real."

"This must've been a stressful time to you. No wonder then, about your mood last month…"

Ah. So, this was where this was going. Emil raised his head a little, giving Flora a fairly neutral look.

"What?" Why even bring it up? "Do you want me to apologize for causing trouble? Because I think I already did that." He really wasn't in the habit of apologizing for the same thing twice anymore.

Flora looked a little surprised for a moment, but then laughed, "No, no. That's not what I meant!"

"What did you mean then?"

"I just was trying to say, that we're glad."

"Glad about what?"

"Glad that the problem that was troubling you has resolved itself."

This evening was perhaps the first time in this life that Emil felt truly 'at home' in Alba and Flora's house.

The conversation remained lively afterwards, Flora asking 'the men' about their day in the workshop, Alba praising Emil and his wife's cooking, and Emil still going on about how exited he was to go and pick up Marta from Meltokio. They discussed how they would conduct the household for the time being, how to divide up the space, what tasks Marta would be able to help out with, what sorts of decorations Emil would like to arrange to make his girlfriend feel comfortable in his room.

Once they'd finished dinner, Alba and Flora headed for the mayor's house. There were discussions with the mayor and some paperwork that they still had to take care of so town administration would be ready for Marta, not just as a visitor, but a permanent citizen of Luin for the time being. Emil, who wasn't well-versed in these matters, stayed behind to do the dishes once again. In the silence of the small wooden house Emil got to work by the sink, humming a little melody to himself. Yes, these days were good days. Everything had been so peaceful lately, both around and inside him. Harmonious, even.

'Just two days and Marta will be back.'

'Gotta pull myself together and make a good impression. No crying when she sees me.'

'Then again, she'd probably find that cute.'

'Maybe she'll be the one crying. Then I'll have to let her lean on me.'

'I'll definitely be there to comfort her if she needs it. And I've got to let her know about everything that happened while she was gone, too. Though, first, I should probably let her rest. Staying here is going to be new for her. She'll need time to get used to everything.'

'Sure hope she's gonna be satisfied with where we're having her stay. If she doesn't like it, she can take the inn.'

'I put a lot of effort in that bed though…'

'I'll just have to let her know that. Then she won't want to let it go to waste.'

'I don't exactly want to guilt her into using it.'

'Well, I don't think I'll need to. I doubt a month of jail has done much to change that girl's usual clingy self.'

'…I can't wait for her to be back. I miss having her by my side…'

'…holding her in my arms…'

'…holding her hand and talking to her…'

'…lending her my strength.'

Somewhere along the stream of his own thoughts, Emil had stopped humming to himself. He suddenly took notice of how silent this room had become without his melody. Not even the water in the basin before him made much of any noise until he intentionally dropped a fork in it to watch the ripples on the surface. Emil then realized that his own voice had been the only thing giving this room any life these past minutes.

'…It's quiet…'

'Very quiet.'

He picked up a knife and looked at his reflection in its blade.

'There's… nobody here.'

'Yes. No one.'

'It's just you and me…'

'Is that what you think?'

'…Huh?

'C'mon. You know that's not right.'

'Right… '

'…I know the truth now. And that truth is…'

'…there is no 'you'.'

'And there's no 'you'.

'It's just…'

'The only one here is…'

'It's me.'

Emil dropped the knife. It threw yet more ripples on the water's surface.

"It's just me," he quietly said to himself, focusing on the sound of his own voice. "I'm… alone."

That moment Emil learned yet another fundamental truth about himself: He hated the silence in this quiet, quiet room.