“The Candle” (Short Story, English, 2009)

(A short story I wrote in High School.)

„Ah! I’m so sick of this!

Not knowing what Liz was talking about, Maddy turned her head around:

“Of what?”

“Being dragged along to church, of course!!”, Liz mourned “And that just because of that advent-stuff… It’s still four weeks till Christmas, for crying out loud!”

Christmas…? Oh yeah. Maddy almost forgot. It was Monday, December the first.  Just little more than four weeks till Christmas. Yesterday must have been the first Sunday of Advent…

Liz continued her rant, “Oh, my parents are so old fashioned! Why do we have to go there every stupid Sunday before Christmas? We’re living in the 21 centaury, not in the dark ages! Nobody cares anymore!”

She stressed the word “nobody” in a way, which made you feel like you were supposed to despise anyone who cared regardless.

“Don’t you find this annoying as well?”

“Uhm… “

Maddy paused for a second, “I don’t know. We haven’t been to church for years now…My parents stopped going there after mom got promoted. She says she doesn’t find the time anymore.”

Liz’s pupils widened in envy, “Ah? Really?! Lucky you! I’m sure, a lot of people’d kill to trade with you!! Ugh… stupid… pointless … traditions! Don’t you think?”

Maddy didn’t know how to answer to this. Actually, she had never minded going to church. Not that she had ever been a religious person either, but somehow…

When she was still a little girl, Maddy’s parents used to take her to church every single one of the four Sundays before Christmas. She’d always wear this one pink jacket, because it was cold in the church, but she did never mind the cold. She’d always take a deep breath and then watch the air she exhaled turning into a white cloud… then, she’d giggle. Also, she loved that jacket. The pink jacket with the red buttons. She always used to pose before the mirror with it, pretending it was a dress and she was a princess. Where was that jacket now? Oh yes, her mom threw it out, three years ago, because Maddy had outgrown it. That was just before they stopped going to church.

Maddy remembered, that they’d always give away pendants made of wood in church to the children on every of the four Sundays before Christmas.  A yellow one and a string to collect them on the first Sunday, a blue one on the second Sunday, a green one on the third, and a red one on the last. She remembered how she would accurately line them up on their strings every year and then collect all those strings in the drawer besides her bed She’d often look at them at night and smile, because she always found them so pretty.

The pendants were always formed like angels… Or at least winged persons, she didn’t know if those were supposed to be just angels or saints. And even if they were saints, she’d have never been able to tell which saints they were supposed to be. She didn’t know any saints by their names, just a few of the stories. Actually, now that she thought about it, nowadays she didn’t remember any of those stories anymore at all.

Liz was still talking, “…And now, I even have to keep this stupid candle in my room! You know the ones they hand out every year? My mom forced me to take it! She wants me to light it every night and meditate or something to find “Better balance”… Yeah, like I’d care about THAT! Why does my mom have to be such an esoteric freak?! Can you tell me that, Mad’?”

…The candle…

Maddy remembered the candle. The blessed candles, decorated with colored wax and pine branches, which they handed out every year on the first of the four Sundays…

Back then, when she was still a kid, her mom would take one home every time… And then, they’d light it at home, every night before Christmas and sing this one song…

“My heart may shine a light, shine it bright, shine it bright.

So don’t be afraid and don’t hide – as we’re waiting for the blessed night.”

Maddy still remembered the lyrics of every single verse, even though she hadn’t heard the song in years now. She still remembered, how she would always smile at the bright light of the candle, when they were done singing… big eyed and full of curiosity, she enjoyed looking right into the candle’s flame. And her parents would always smile back and happily laugh.

“…Mad? Mad! Hey, Maddy, are you even listening?!”

“Oh!”

Maddy’s moment of nostalgia ended, she returned back to the present, “…Sorry, Liz. I kinda didn’t listen.”

“Ah, no sweat.”, she said “I wouldn’t have listened either if I were you. I must have bored you to hell and back with that stuff about church and all! Sorry. Anyway, you’re free on Christmas Eve, right?”

“Huh?”

“The Party! We wanted to go there together, remember?”

Maddy nodded. That’s what she told Liz.

Actually, she was not too keen on that party, but she had nothing better to do. It was not, like her parents would miss her if she went. They haven’t been doing any celebrating on Christmas Eve for two years now.  They just handed her a present each, kissed her on the cheek and closed themselves of in their offices. Ever since mom got promoted, Dad had started to take care of some of her paper work, additionally to his own, since it was so much, she couldn’t handle it all by herself and she never even considered employing a secretary. They cost too much, she always claimed.

Liz was still smiling, “So, it’s settled, isn’t it?”

Maddy, still completely sunken in her thoughts, just nodded.

“Well, then, see ya tomorrow!”

And Liz ran off. Maddy stayed behind on the road, standing still for a few minutes. When she looked up from the ground again, the first thing she saw was Santa. A giant poster, with Santa on it, smiling and laughing his trademark “HO HO HO” (even written out) at all the passersby. The poster was an advertisement for a mobile-phone provider which’s name Maddy couldn’t even pronounce.

DON’T WANT TO MISS ANY OF YOUR LOVED ONES ON X-MAS? WITH OUR HOLIDAY-FREEDAY TARIF YOU GET TO TALK TO ALL OF THEM FOR A RIDICULOUSLY LOW PRICE!!

But what if those people don’t want to talk to you on Christmas?

That thought crossed Maddy’s mind for a short second, but she quickly abandoned it, because it was just stupid.  She took another look at the oversized Santa… Yeah, that was the right way to describe him: Oversized. That fat, balding man in the red pajamas. Just what did the kids find appealing about him? When Maddy was a little Kid, she’s always been scared of Santa. She’d even hide behind her mother whenever this fat monstrosity appeared on TV. And when Maddy asked, how such a big, old guy could deliver so many presents, her Mom would always answer:

“Honey, Santa isn’t doing it alone. He’d got many, many, many tiny little elfs and angels, who help him: The elfs make the presents, the angels deliver them.”

And so, Maddy would always imagine a golden-haired angel coming to her room in the night of Christmas, bringing the presents, she wished so much for. And actually, she even hoped for Santa not to come to her house himself but send one of the angels. She always hoped to catch a glance of the angel, but she never did.

Of course not. She was always already asleep when her mom came in and brought the presents.

The day Maddy realized that there were no Santa and no angels was also when her parents stopped to secretly enter her room at Christmas Night. They’d just flatly hand the presents to her every year, without much more than aforementioned kiss. For some time, Maddy did wish that she had believed in Santa a bit longer, just to find the presents in front of her bed again in Christmas morning.

A sigh.

Maddy let her eyes of the oversized Santa of his oversized advertisement-poster. She finally turned around and continued her way home.

#

“Honey, I’ll have to work on Christmas Eve this year again. But don’t worry, Dad will be around.”

Mom didn’t even look at Maddy, when she said that. Her eyes were focused on the pager in her hands.

Maddy sighed, “Alright, I’ve got an invitation anyway…”

“Hm?”

Her mom turned around, “An invitation, on Christmas Eve?”

For a moment, it looked like Maddy’s mother was about to say something, causing Maddy’s heart to jump. But then, she just turned around again, “Well then… just don’t stay away to long, OK? I wouldn’t want you to oversleep on Christmas day.”

Disappointment. Maddy had so hoped for her mother to object. She didn’t know why her mother would object; she’d just hoped that she would do it. But somehow, she should have known it. Her mom never cared about stuff like this. Another thing Liz envied her for. But Maddy just wished, her mother would notice her. Or her Father. He was just as bad.

Mom, Dad and Maddy, she couldn’t remember the last time they’d done anything together, as a family. But Maddy didn’t dare to bring that topic up. She didn’t want to have this kind of argument with her folks.

Maddy remembered, when she was a kid, there were so many things they would do together in winter. They’d always bake whole loads of cookies together. Maddy would come up with the weirdest kinds of forms or decorations for them and her mother would always approve them, getting her Dad to laugh loudly. And when those cookies were finished, they’d always look so strange compared to the rest, that Maddy couldn’t help but laugh herself, and her parents would join.

They’d go sledding together. Of course, only when there was enough snow. But, over the years, the snow that fell became less and less. Maddy would always plead that it would snow, just so they could go sledding again. But one year, they just gave it up. Simply because it was no use waiting for snow anymore. It just didn’t come. Her mom blamed it on the climate-change. That was when they sold the sleight… they haven’t been sledding ever since.

And they’d always visit the annual Christmas-Market. Maddy remembered, how much fun it was, all those glittering lights and decorations, the smell of punch and fried maroons, the sound of old Christmas songs, being played on some crappy stereos, she loved all of this so much.  But her mother didn’t have the time anymore to drive all the way over to the next town so they could visit the market. Now Maddy didn’t even know if it was still being held.

Her mother was still typing on that pager. Maddy didn’t know, what she was using the pager for, but she knew that it was pretty important for her job. Nobody was allowed to touch it, not even dad.

She was so fixated on that pager, Maddy wondered, if she’d even notice, if she’d talked to her.

“Mom?”

“Hm?”

Really! She turned around!

“Yes? What is it, Honey?”

“Uhm…”

Maddy didn’t know what to say. She didn’t think her mother would actually notice her. So, she just asked the first thing that came to her mind:

“Could we go to church together, next Sunday?”

In surprise, Maddy noticed that this, of all things, was the first question that came to her mind, and she quickly covered her mouth with her hands. Why did she ask that…?

“Huh? Church?”

Her mother looked at her questioning:

“Why would you want to go to church? I thought it bored you!”

Yes, that’s what Maddy used to claim, when they still went, because her friends always said so. Church was boring.

“Uhm…I just thought…”

Maddy looked to the floor:

“I just thought, we could get one of that candles again. You know the ones, we used to take home…”

“Ah, I see.”

Her mother had already turned back at her pager:

“Honey, I’m sorry, but my timetable is all full next Sunday… maybe the Sunday after?”

The Sunday after. That would already be the third one. Just little more than one week before Christmas. For some reason, this thought didn’t appeal to Maddy in the slightest.

And she hated the word “maybe” with all her passion.

“Ah… I’m so tired…”

Mom yawned. She was getting tired very early lately. Maybe doing to the additional work she had been doing for this one project. And Dad wasn’t even at home yet.

“I think, I’ll go to bed now, honey. Good night, Madeleine…”

A short kiss on Maddy’s cheek and her mother left the room, leaving her all alone in the kitchen. Maddy looked at the clock: 6pm.  That’s how far it had come. Her mom was going to bed at 6 pm.

Maddy still remembered, how she used to bring her to bed every evening, 8 pm. When Maddy was still a little girl, she’d always ask her to stay by her bed and watch out for her. She was always scared, even though she didn’t remember now of what exactly. Then, her mom would always sit down and tell her a story. A Christmas related at this time of the year. Yeah, her Christmas stories were always the best of all the stories she told.

Christmas… used to be something special for Maddy. Like a precious diamond, that you keep locked in a shrine, except for one day in the year, where you take it out and let it sparkle in the sun, showing all of its true beauty to the world. Like a treasure, the most wonderful treasure in the world, hidden on a secret island that can only be visited once every hundred years and you can’t take it away from this island, no matter what you try. That’s how precious Christmas used to be for Maddy.

But now…

…

…The candle.

Maddy still remembered the candle. It’s warm light, the song. The smiles, the prayers, this warm, comfortable feeling of doing exactly the right thing…

Maddy’s eyes wandered towards the clock. 

6:15 pm

For a few seconds, she kept just standing there, doing nothing. Hesitation. But finally, it was replaced by a determinate look in her eyes. Maddy took her jacket, her scarf and her gloves and put them on. The local church was a 15 minutes’ walk from here and she still remembered that they held a evening mess every Monday, 6:30pm. If she hurried, she could still make it in time. Quickly, Maddy grabbed a sheet of paper and left a note:

“I am out for a walk. Maddy.”

As Maddy passed through the evening streets, she was flooded by a wave of lights. Christmas decorations, like they hung there every year. She still remembered how amazed she used to be by all those lights back, when she was little. She remembered comparing the lights in the streets to fallen stars.

Yes, it went like this,

Mommy, why are all the stars down here now? Did they fall out of the sky?

Maddy snickered, as she remembered this. It had been a very cloudy day back then, so there were no stars on the sky. Only the decorations on the streets. And they shone just as brightly as they did right now. Maddy took another look around and felt, how, despite the cold temperatures, her chest started to warm up a little, just like after drinking a hot chocolate. This warm, tender feeling, Maddy had already almost forgotten how it felt. She smiled, as she opened the huge, old, wooden door of the church. Organ-music which she hadn’t heard in years reached her ears. It had already started…

Quietly and slightly frightened, Maddy stepped inside the huge building. The crowd was busy singing along with the organ’s song, so nobody noticed her. She hurried to carefully slip into an empty bank. She sat down on the seat and started to listen to the calm music. Maddy knew this song, she was sure. She just couldn’t recall the exact lyrics and name. But it seemed so extremely familiar. As she inhaled, Maddy remembered those smells, those familiar sounds and even the chatting in the back-rows seemed familiar.

Just like back then…

She felt once again like a child.

The song ended, the priest came up to the altar. He started to read from the bible. Maddy remembered how she had never understood a thing of what he said, and now, she noticed that she still didn’t. But that didn’t matter.

She didn’t sing along with the songs or try to understand the lectures and preaching. She just sat there and listened.

As the bells started tolling again, the mass ended. The priest and his ministrants slowly left the room. And the community prepared to do the same. But not Maddy. She went up, right to the door of the sacristy and knocked. Before long, the door opened, revealing the priest from the mass, now on civilian clothes.

“Hm? Can I help you girl?”

“…Excuse me,” Maddy hesitated “Do you still have… some of the candles left? We kinda failed to get one yesterday…”

A confused look entered the priests face… But as he noticed Maddy’s timid expression, it transformed into a smile. A warm, reassuring smile.

#

8pm in the evening.

Maddy sat there. All alone. Her father? Hadn’t come home yet. And her mother really had gone to sleep, just as she said she would. Maddy was alone in her room.

She put the candle onto her desk. This year’s candle was really pretty: Pine twigs, and red and gold decorations. Now, she just needed to light it. With a fast motion Maddy got the cigarette-lighter out of her pocket and produced a small flame, no bigger than a marble. Carefully, she lit the beautiful candle. Then, she turned off the room’s light. It was all dark in the room now. Except for the candle. And now, Maddy sat just there and looked at the candle. Her eyes kept following the flame’s movement. It felt so warm and comfortable. Like a bright star, the flame just kept shining as the rooms only light.

Finally, Maddy closed her eyes and sang,

“My heart may shine a light, shine it bright, shine it bright.

So don’t be afraid and don’t hide – as we’re waiting for the blessed night.”

As she opened them again, she smiled and giggled.

But nobody laughed back.

When Maddy looked around, she was all alone. There was only the candle, which’s nostalgic light shone just as bright as it did in those years back such a long time ago, when Maddy had still been a kid. And when Christmas had still had a meaning. The little flame of the precious candle kept burning and softly moving in the middle of the room...

Maddy cried.